What is normal?

So Chuck and I are sitting around talking.

We love our life, its good, (mostly).

Things have sort of situated themselves as "things" do.

Ashley left with the Haiyley in tow, to go and stay with her family in Florida, two days after Mark left to go back to Diego Garcia. :(

He has six months left there, and I just found out two days ago, he will then be packing to go to Spangdahlem, Germany.

I'm good with that, (like I have a choice or a say right? ) He didnt really ask me what I thought, or what I wanted. :(

Adult kids.... who knew? :)

I am sort of feeling this emptiness at times, with no kids at home, and none of the headaches associated with that.

Sort of like after a migraine, I always feel sort of an emptiness in my head where the pain was.

Relief, yes, of course, but still there is that emptiness...

Of course it would seem that there is always some sort of drama going on in our lives in regards to one or more of our kids, and or grandkids. Or thier parents.

You know it seems that we spend so many years of our lives, raising our kids, we try our best, from the moment we see those little faces, we are so in awe of what we have created. And we love them more than our own lives, we watch them grow, and struggle, and fall, and encourage them to get up and try again, and we try to put the band aids in the right spots when we can, and we nurture, we listen to, hold up, and hold on to them, when they hurt, and cry. And we deal with all the junk, and the never ending attitude as they grow older, and then when they lay claim to this thing called a mind of their own, and they stop coming to us to tell us where it hurts, or whats bothering them and we have to guess. And they seem to turn on us at that magical age, and we suddenly become stupid, but we love them still, even as we are wanting to thrash them. Then when its all said and done, we hope that we've done enough.... to help them to grow into mature adults. We sometimes think it will never be enough...

I wouldnt trade any of those times, or tears, or mistakes, its all gone into who they are, and whatever they will become. I love them all, they are part of who I am, and all of those years, didnt they all seem to run together as we look back. I suppose I just wish I had appreciated it all a little more. I wish I hadnt been in such a hurry for them to grow up.

I remember when Melissa and Matthew were so little, probably about 3 and 4 years old, I was tired all the time just trying to keep up with them, and some wise older person said to me, "you know you better enjoy this now, they grow up so fast, you'll look around one day and they will be gone"!! And I'm thinking at the time "yeah right, easy for you to say"!

It happened!

My favorite thing to do is beat myself up for the mistakes they make, even now as adults, I try and figure out a way to blame myself, as though, it somehow has to be something I did or didnt do in the past.

This makes Chuck crazy, when I throw a "bad Mom pity party"!

I havnt done the pity party for a while now, I suppose I have one coming sooner or later.

But ever the pessimist, and as always, I constantly lay in wait for that proverbial other shoe to drop.

I am having some down time now, while I am waiting.

Day before yesterday, Chuck recieved a phone call from his ex.

Now for those of you that know, and those that dont, when you have an ex, and some exes, are really really exes, when their name shows up on the caller id, you think while the phone is ringing, crap!! Now what?

For me, getting one of these calls isnt so bad anymore. I dont like talking to my ex, (either one). the first one always identifies himself by his full name, (as if I may have forgotten who he is) :) But as for Steve, we havent really butted heads for a while,we even seem to be on the same page, at least the last time we talked, so its all good, (for now) :).

Not that I still like seeing his name on my caller id, but if I do, there isnt that old sense of dread, or wtf???

Anyway, for Chuck not so much. His history is different than mine. They were never on the same page about anything, hell, they were in different books. They never agreed on anything except for the fact that they couldnt wait to get the hell away from each other.

So anyway, he gets the call, and has all the thoughts that go with it, like "what does the witch want now"? Not wanting to answer, but at the same time there is the "what if somethings wrong with Kevin" question going in the back of his brain.

So they are fighting again, she and Kevin, it would seem that he has picked up her vacuum cleaner and tossed it, and then went on to break a picture in a frame.

So she calls Chuck, to tell him shes done, and now its his turn to take Kevin, because she cant do anything with him.

This btw, isnt the first time this has happened. This has been ongoing for years.

She has a horrible temper, and so does Kevin, so the mix is not a good one.

I for one, cant understand why their fighting always puts Chuck in the middle.

Correct me if I'm wrong here, but this isnt Chucks problem, not from my view anyway.

I would never dream of calling Steve if Mark were behaving like that.

I would kick his ass, and then call 911 :) I know, I know, I'm not faced with those issues, thank the Lord!!! And you all know anyway, my bark is far worse then my bite.

So long story short, after Chuck and Pat getting into it over Kevin's current behavior, she is stressed, so Kevin is staying here for two days, while she cools down.

Did I mention that him being here makes me crazy?

I cant really put my finger on why that is, but maybe its just our history..but if I had to think about the why....

Lets see, where do I start? The behavior? The way he dresses? Or is it just the way he is always so stinking defensive about everything. Or the immaturity.

I also think there is this resentful feeling I get when he is around, like for some reason he is trying to be, and act as stupid as he can, just to piss me off.

Now, when I am feeling more sane, I realize that is just me, and I am being stupid and irrational. But still, that nagging feeling that he is just looking for ways to piss me off.

Like walking around with his pants down below his ass, so that everyone gets to veiw his underwear. Every time he does that, I want to say something really rude, a million things come to mind, all equally bad, so I bite my tongue.

Well, hello!!! , I dont want to see anyones underwear, I am just not interested, call me crazy! Anyway, wasnt that whole hanging down pant thing, showing the underwear, over five years ago? I thought that was just limited to low life losers on Cops.

So now that we are at the end of the two days, I am starting to feel less stress, but always the fear that we will have a conflict of some kind. There is the eggshell thing, that I detest, especially in my own home.

I really do feel that for the most part, Kevin and I have come to a point that we just sort of acknowledge to ourselves at the very least, that we dont really hate each other, but we just dont really like each other either. I mean, I dont think the thoughts that I did six years ago, for sure. I think we have made our peace so to speak, I know Chuck would like more than that, but it isnt going to happen now.

I try, I really do, to see some good in him, and knowing that he is Chucks son, I feel that hopeful thing, you know like maybe some day he will be a good man, because Chuck is.

But then he opens his mouth and says something so stupid, (flashback...are you 12?) Anyway, there just is this immaturity thing, that as parents, and even step parents, we like to sort of see disappear by this age, and he will be 20 this summer.

Maybe, I am expecting too much, I dont know.

I do know this, I like him a whole lot better when I dont see him every day.

I'm thinking positive thoughts, and its going to be a great day.

Soon as we have our house back that is :)

Maybe we could even get some "normal" today!